I'm mad at myself...

''am i that unwanted... so ugly, hideous, the odd one out, Princess of myself...

whatever i maybe, whatever maybe its reason... i dont wanna know, i dont care, cuz here i repeat myself again , i'm FREAKING tired of everything CHANGING--> improving myself agn and agn... c'mon, now, someone has to accept the way i'm.. god bless everyone!.. i loev you,

*sign* "

Cedar and Cheer!

On the 1st May, I started with my new diary, aka Cheer... My last Cheer looked somewhat like this... It had a hideous cover page so I had covered it with a white chart paper... stuck one of my favourite pictures, of mine only... lol... And made it look ''good'' so that it is worth writing in! 

So above my picture, it reads ''zealousme'' , below it reads ''princess'' and then i have written my name all over the place... it isnt that visible, however i had sketched ''A'' on the left corner of the diary... it is a 400 pages journal... well my next task is to count the number of diaries I have written till now...

And you can make out the difference between a guitar and the diary.. so the guitar of course, is *Cedar*... then there is the back side of the journal, the last page of Cheer...and one of the middle pages of my journal... ta-da and thats it! :)

Chaos of being in school...

31st August 2008, was pondering over the fact of how time just passes by...

today i went to get my picture clicked, passport size, for my form of class 10. Due for tomorrow, but apparently I'll give it on Tuesday! Cute picture, I'm smiling in it. When i was in class 8, when i was soo chilled out that 10 is so far, but Now, I'm going through what i never thought of! i don't really remember my first day in high school, except! you know sun shining damn hard,my skirt HIGH waist and the class 6 is standing up of the Basket Ball court, wandering about, looking at those strangers -''SENIORS'', we were looking forward to a new start, dunno what's gonna happen and THEN, all of a sudden we are missing the junior school!!! We don't wanna live here! And as soon as time (which i hate) passes --> we have forgotten all, we live with faded memories, we are all adjusted to our new home. And as the clock is ticking, our skirts come down to low waist, hairstyle, fashion, high socks to a level that of the ankle and wear all abusing language, that, i thought didn't even exist! Class 10 then was a dream or More Than That!!! Aaki as bestie, Gen.X., being desperado, teachers, first crush-out of the world! Now 2 years!!! I'll make then the BEST EVER!!! The unexpected will do its best and i'll take it! There's so much in life and I'm sooooooo WAITING!!!! 

One frustrated teenager-it is!!! ''wtf''

in the first 9 days to the summer, i practically did NOTHING; whereas whom ever i used to talk to were busy in something or the other. I got so freaking frustrated that i took my diary, went into the bathroom, sat on the pot cried like a 3 yr old child from whom you snatch away a lollipop... and wrote the following (on the 9 of april)-

''NINE FUCKING DAYS have passed by, and I've fucking wasted these NINE days. I fucking regret these nine days more than ever. it never did hurt when i would spend 9 fucking days not studying during my boards, as it is fucking hurting now. I'm completely freaked out. so fucking freaked out. i freaking don't care now. you know after boards i thought I'll PARTY. you know party means have Fucking some freaking FUN. BE HAPPY. DO WHAT, WHICH I COULD.NT DO for the past fucking year.

 but now I'm all fucked up. I'm at home when my fucking friends are out, doing whatever, they are on night stays, out of station. but I'm fucking set back at home, where i go online thrice in 90 minutes just ho i can pass some time.

 no-one is ready to understand me. i don't care if things don't go by my 'schedule' but fuck off, THINGS DON'T HAPPEN AT ALL. and no-one is ready to understand. I've no idea to whom i should go. everyone is having fun, i dun wanna disturb anyone. and why should i? i wanna go for guitar classes-I'm SO UNABLE TO FIND THEM. I had planned to go for 'personality development' classes-GOT CANCELLED. there are no belly-dance class around. what the fuck. i wanted to go partying, see places, where i could have gone to mumbai, I'm here, sitting on pot and crying complaining and swearing taking out the frustration. and now when i think what i wanna do, all my excitement and enthu has drained off...for everything, as though now i wanna GIVE UP. as though, if I'm unable to learn anything these 3 months, it'll be the end of my freaking life...

i wanna get outta my house, go somewhere, laugh till my stomach hurts, crack fucking PJ's and laugh at them as it was the freaking best joke on this earth. then i recall, how my mum feels not so proud of me for I've done nothing productive in past 15 fucking years of my life. 

it was like so much better in class 10, we all had goals, we knew we had to study, there was always something on the mind of what to 'study' next.

and now i feel-AIMLESS, CLUELESS, UNEMPLOYED-as though I've been thrown out of the job and now I'm searching for a new job and I'm unable to do so and I've a deadline to payback my bills and I'm running out of money-->PATIENCE, that is!!!

I've never been so frustrated that 2nd day in a row I've cried SO freaking very much, that my body feels very light, and tired. I feel my passion have been broken into pieces with a hammer, as though my passion was SO FUCKING BRITTLE that i couldn't even hold on to it...WTF!!!"

PS.me and my friends somehow love this diary entry, it makes us laugh whenever we read it:)...